The Sobriety Journal: Day 45 -At Last, Not (Constantly) Thinking About Drinking
45 feels like a solid number. It also feels like a tiny number in the big scheme of things, but it’s way longer — probably almost double — the length of time I’ve been able to do this before. So it’s an achievement of sorts, and I’ll take it. It’s one I’ll keep to myself though, I don’t plan on posting about it on social media. It’s just for me — and I guess, you too.
Forty-five days is an interesting spot to be in when you’re reading posts from others who are in various stages of their sobriety journey. There are people who have been alcohol-free for decades — decades! — and people celebrating a year or three or five. Super impressive and absolute goals. Then there are people who are in their first couple of weeks, their first couple of days, their first 24 hours — to them, 45 days is absolutely legendary. And just over 6 weeks ago, that was me. Forty-five entire days felt like a lifetime and utterly impossible. A lot of people stop at 30 because nowadays taking a month off drinking is popular and dare I say it, ‘normal’, but to get to 45 days — a month and a half — seems to be less common. So it’s out there in no-man’s-land, not this thing that’s in-built into your lifestyle, still relatively ‘new’, but also to some people you seem like an absolute pro.
One thing I’ve noticed at this point, is that I’m not thinking about alcohol all the time. I’m not missing anything. It used to be an evening activity that started when work ended for the day, or what I did on the weekends. I missed it for a while, but in the past couple of days I’ve realized I’m just not expecting it anymore. I’ve gone from ‘I really feel like a wine’ or ‘that White Claw ad looks so appealing, I could go for a refreshing adult beverage right now’ (don’t judge me!! Okay, you can judge me all you want), to ‘do I want a La Croix or [insert other non-alcoholic option here], and I’m happy about it!! I actually have gotten to a place where I’m enjoying trying out options and I don’t like them less if they don’t have the appearance or general vibe of a boozy drink. That’s progress, I guess.
I’m not under any illusions that there won’t be days, occasions, moments, where I do crave an alcoholic beverage. I’ll be ready for that when the day comes — whether it’s reminding myself of why I’m better off without, playing the tape forward to the next day (or even later the same day!), thinking about how the first drink is the most important decision, and busying myself with distractions and other things that take away fixation on the thing I’m choosing not to make part of my life. These moments were fairly constant in the first couple of weeks, so luckily I got to start building up some muscle to deal with them when the time comes again.
Overall, it’s just pleasant not to constantly be thinking about drinking. Yes, I’m writing about it, but I think that’s healthy. I’m reading about it, but I think that’s healthy too. Instead of glorifying alcohol and feeling a distinct lack, I’m learning about how to continue my journey in a way that embraces self-care, and the imperfection of being human. And I think that’s okay. I will not drink with you today.
