The Sobriety Journal: Day 49–7 weeks, 7 weekends… and ice cream
Yesterday, I did think about drinking. I mean, drinking was a fundamental part of my weekends for many, many years so I guess it’s not surprising. When something has been the centrepiece, the reason to be, for two consecutive days each week (not that I didn’t do it other times, I just indulged more on the weekends) it’s not like it just goes away with the flick of an imaginary switch, as much as we’d like it to.
I think the longest stretch I went without alcohol was around 5 years ago and it lasted less than 30 days. I remember the duration because I was doing a 30 day challenge, and near the end of the challenge that little voice said, “See, you’ve not had a drink for weeks, you’re totally fine! Waiting 30 days is totally arbitrary. If you can do 23, or 25, or 26 (or whatever the exact day count was), you can clearly do 30! Go on, you deserve a drink!” I distinctly remember walking to the pub near my work and indulging in a few wines and several whiskies. I remember how smoothly they went down, how quickly I felt tipsy, going home and not remembering a ton after that, suffice to say I fell asleep and didn’t have much to show for my evening.
Trust me, 49 days in — seven solid weeks — I’ve definitely heard that voice many times. While I’m enjoying lots of things about not drinking, my brain certainly likes to remind me about the reasons I enjoyed doing it. I don’t think about it as much, and often when I do it’s in a nostalgic, contemplative way, but weekends in particular are a place of habits from brunch cocktails, to experimental morning cocktails, to Sunday scaries shots… wine… whatever was at home or that I’d go out and buy, just because. I’ve managed to stay away through a variety of other activities — cooking something nutritious that also tastes good — researching, shopping for the ingredients and making the thing can take up a bunch of time but also yield a satisfying result, reading (self-help and just for fun), catching up on TV shows (educational and absolute trash.. okay, mainly the latter), cups of tea, club soda and bitters, keeping up my water intake, working out, going down the rabbit holes of Reddit (and checking in on r/stopdrinking). Anything that captures my attention and isn’t that.
Last night, however, I woke up in the middle of the night. The pets were restless and I found myself up at an hour that I used to wake at a lot when I was drinking. But this time I wasn’t disoriented and trying to figure out what had happened earlier and panic that it was already time to wake up and what day was it and did I embarrass myself last night and oh my gosh I need to check my phone. Instead, I had this intense, sudden thought: I am completely sober and it’s the middle of the night, the early hours of Sunday morning and I am SO grateful and I feel SO good!!! The part of my brain that is not attached to my prior habits, that can see all of the good this time is doing, figuratively grabbed me by the shoulders and excitedly yelled at me, forcefully, “YOU have got this and this feels GREAT!!” I’ve held that feeling all day, come to think of it the thought of Sunday drinking hasn’t even crossed my mind. I’ve enjoyed thinking about how good I feel today. It’s not like everything is perfect — I do feel tired and my feet are randomly sore — but I was so much more productive today than I’ve been on a Sunday for years when I was drinking, and I have mental clarity that I didn’t know was possible. The most surprising thing that happened to me was when I realized I’d made ice cream yesterday and put it in the freezer to enjoy today — had totally forgot. So much better than forgetting about saying something embarrassing and trying to figure out what it was. I’m embarrassment free, and there is ice cream.
This weekend has been contemplative, there have been intrusive thoughts of weekend drinking, but the reminder last night of how good it feels to wake up clear-headed is going to last a while, I reckon. Trying to give myself some grace while my brain rewires itself, it’s not all unicorns and butterflies, but there are some of those as well. Heading into next week with hope and feeling good (but also not complacent) about achieving 7 weeks alcohol-free so far. Eager to see what comes next, there is so much to learn. I will not drink with you today.
